🎬 SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS (1972): WHEN CAMP COLLIDES WITH GENIUS (AND A BOTTLE OF CHELSEA HOTEL BOOZE)

🌆 THE PLOT (OR LACK THEREOF):
Small-town girl Eve Harrington (Holly Woodlawn, a trans icon who could out-charm the devil) moves to NYC to become a star. Instead, she finds:

  • A drag queen Mary Poppins (Tally Brown) carried by shirtless men through Central Park 36
  • A leather-clad, gas-mask-wearing bellhop at the Chelsea Hotel (because of course) 11
  • A werewolf film producer (played by Woodlawn in male drag) who sexually assaults her 6
  • Bette Midler singing lullabies while Holly lies in bed covered in salamis (don’t ask) 4

Sammy’s Take:
“It’s All About Eve on acid, directed by a queer anarchist who thought subtlety was for cowards. I’m obsessed.”

✹ WHY IT’S A MASTERPIECE (AND YOUR THERAPIST’S NIGHTMARE):

  1. HOLLY WOODLAWN IS A FORCE OF NATURE
    • Her physical comedy? Flawless. Her line delivery? Iconic. Her ability to make a salami-covered bed scene work? Legendary. 48
    • Lou Reed wrote “Walk on the Wild Side” about her. That’s all you need to know.
  2. IT’S A TIME CAPSULE OF ’70S QUEER NYC
    • Drag queens! Lesbian separatist twins! A cab-driving nun raising money for Jesus Christ Superstar! 6
    • The vibe? “What if John Waters directed The Wizard of Oz but Dorothy was a trans icon?”
  3. THE MUSICAL NUMBERS ARE UNHINGED
    • Tally Brown singing blues about avoiding teen prostitution in El Paso? Art. 8
    • Bette Midler’s soundtrack cameo? The cherry on this chaotic sundae. 4

⚠ CONTROVERSY CLUB:

  • Banned & forgotten for decades because society wasn’t ready for this much fabulousness 8
  • Holly’s post-fame struggles (heroin, poverty, Hollywood’s transphobia) make the film’s joy even more bittersweet 6

🍾 HOW TO WATCH IT (LIKE A TRUE CULTIST):

  • Attire: Sequined bathrobe (stained with glitter tears)
  • Beverage: Cheap champagne (spiked with whatever Holly was drinking at the Chelsea)
  • Lighting: Disco ball (or a flashlight covered in tinsel)
  • Post-Movie Ritual: Call your ex and scream “I’M LOST IN MY DREAMS OF HEAVEN!” into the void

đŸ“Œ THE SCARE FILM ARCHIVES VOL. 2: DANGER STORIES – TRAUMATIZING CHILDREN, ONE 16MM REEL AT A TIME

🚾 THE PLOT (IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT):
A collection of educational scare films designed to terrify kids into obedience. Highlights include:

  • “Don’t Play with Matches” (or you’ll burn alive, probably)
  • “Stranger Danger: The Musical” (not really, but it should be)
  • “Why Drugs Will Turn You Into a Literal Garbage Person” (spoiler: they’re not wrong)

Sammy’s Take:
“It’s like Black Mirror for boomers—except the horror is real, and the special effects are just bad acting and worse morals.”

💀 WHY YOU NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE:

  1. NOSTALGIA FOR A TIME WHEN TRAUMA WAS EDUCATIONAL
    • These films actually played in schools. Imagine showing “Reefer Madness” to fifth graders today.
  2. THE LIMITED SLIPCOVER IS ALMOST GONE
    • Once it’s gone, it’s gone—just like your innocence after watching “The Boy Who Cried Wolf (But Then the Wolf Ate Him)”.
  3. IT’S A HISTORY LESSON IN HOW TO SCARE KIDS STRAIGHT
    • Pre-Internet fearmongering at its finest.

đŸ· HOW TO WATCH IT (IF YOU DARE):

  • Attire: A school uniform (stained with existential dread)
  • Beverage: Warm milk (spiked with regret)
  • Lighting: A flickering projector (seizure risk = authentic experience)

đŸ’„ FINAL VERDICT: TWO FILMS THAT PROVE CINEMA CAN BE BOTH ART AND A WAR CRIME

  • Scarecrow in a Garden of Cucumbers is a queer cult classic that deserves worship.
  • The Scare Film Archives Vol. 2 is trauma porn that deserves
 well, something.

— Sammy
Currently writing a love letter to Holly Woodlawn in lipstick on my bathroom mirror

đŸ”„đŸŽ„ PS: IF SOMEONE OFFERS TO SHOW YOU “THE REAL NEW YORK”
 ASK IF HOLLY’S INVITED. đŸŽ„

Scarecrow In a Garden of Cucumbers

The Scare Film Archives Volume 2: Danger Stories

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