Alright, you macabre-minded mortuary enthusiasts and lovers of slow-burn Canadian horror, gather ‘round the flickering porch light.
Tonight, we’re checking into Funeral Home (1980)—aka Cries in the Night—a film that’s less “chainsaw massacre” and more “grandma’s got a secret in the basement.” Think Psycho meets Little House on the Prairie with a side of tax-shelter-era Canadian weirdness. Is it a slasher? A thriller? A cautionary tale about the dangers of repurposing funeral parlors into B&Bs? Yes.
The Plot (Or: “Airbnb of the Damned”)
Heather (Lesleh Donaldson, slasher royalty from Happy Birthday to Me and Curtains) rolls into a sleepy Ontario town to help her sweet, slightly off grandma Maude (Kay Hawtrey) convert the family’s former funeral home into a quaint bed-and-breakfast. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. Guests start vanishing faster than free Wi-Fi at a motel, and Heather keeps hearing Maude arguing with someone in the basement—despite Grandpa having “mysteriously disappeared” years ago. Throw in a dim-witted handyman, a nosy deputy (Alf Humphreys, My Bloody Valentine), and a very judgmental black cat named Mitten (the true MVP), and you’ve got a mystery that’s equal parts charming and unsettling.
Why This Funeral Home Deserves a Five-Star Yelp Review
- Grandma Maude: Norman Bates in a Housecoat
Kay Hawtrey’s performance is the film’s backbone—she flips between doting granny and unhinged menace with unsettling ease. The climax, where she fully snaps in the basement (complete with mummified corpse décor), is worth the price of admission alone. It’s Psycho’s finale, but with more artificial flowers and less wig-snatching. - Atmosphere Thicker Than Embalming Fluid
Shot on location in rural Ontario, the film oozes small-town eeriness. The creaky funeral home-turned-inn is a masterclass in unsettling production design—every shadowy hallway and off-limits cellar door screams “you’re not getting your deposit back.” Cinematographer Mark Irwin (Scanners, The Fly) bathes everything in a muted, almost dreamlike haze, making even daytime scenes feel vaguely sinister. - A Slasher… Without the Slashing?
Don’t expect gore galore—this is more psychological chiller than body-count extravaganza. The kills are sparse but effective (a drowned couple, a pickaxe to the chest), and the tension relies on dread, not dismemberment. It’s a relic of the pre-Friday the 13th era, when horror could still be quietly unnerving. - Lesleh Donaldson: The Ultimate “Wait, Why Are You Ignoring the OBVIOUS RED FLAGS?” Heroine
Heather’s investigative skills are… questionable (seriously, girl, your grandma’s talking to corpses), but Donaldson brings a relatable naivety to the role. Plus, her feud with Mitten the cat is the most baffling subplot in horror history—who rejects a friendly kitty? Monsters. - That Ending: Tea Time with a Side of Trauma
No spoilers, but the final reveal—delivered under the closing credits like a post-credits stinger—is a delightfully Canadian twist. Imagine Psycho’s psychiatrist scene, but with more polite apologies and a kettle whistling in the background.
The Verdict (Grave Expectations Met?)
Is Funeral Home a masterpiece? Nah. But it’s a cozy, creepy time capsule of early ‘80s Canadian horror—a film that prioritizes mood over mayhem and features a grandma who could give Mrs. Bates a run for her money. If you love:
- Slow-burn mysteries
- Hitchcockian homages
- Cats that deserve better
…then check in, but maybe skip the basement tour.
Justin’s Final Rating: ★★★☆☆ (3/5 – “Charming, flawed, and oddly comforting—like a horror-themed B&B run by your weirdest aunt.”)
Pair With: Psycho (for the vibes), Grandmother’s House (1988, for more “questionable relatives”), and a stiff drink to toast Mitten the cat’s unjustly scorned affection.
Sound off in the crypt below! Would YOU stay at Maude’s B&B? Team Mitten or Team Heather? And how many red flags is too many before you call the cops? 🚩⚰️🐈⬛
P.S. Avoid the Mill Creek DVD—opt for Scream Factory’s Blu-ray for a crisp, non-VHS-quality look at grandma’s crimes.
