By Sammy, Knife in the Dark’s resident degenerate cinephile
🎬 INTRO: SCREAM INTO THE VOID (IT’S FREE!)
Listen up, you bloodthirsty fiends—April’s here, and VIZIO’s WatchFree+ is serving up a buffet of horror so gnarly, it’ll make your Netflix queue look like Sesame Street. Best part? It won’t cost you a dime. That’s right, FREE. Like a back-alley autopsy, but legal.
So grab your sacrificial remote, mute your screaming roommates, and dive into this corpse pile of cinematic terror.
💀 THE MUST-WATCH CARNAGE
1. THE GRUDGE 2 (2006) + JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2 (2003)
- Why It Rules: Double the curses, double the dread. The American remake’s got Amber Tamblyn getting folded like a lawn chair, while the OG Japanese version births nightmares via ghost pregnancy.
- Sammy’s Verdict: Watch back-to-back for maximum existential despair.
2. AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (2017)
- Why It Rules: Bella Thorne vs. a house that’s basically Twitter incarnate—full of evil, bad takes, and Jennifer Jason Leigh’s “I regret my life choices” face.
- Sammy’s Verdict: The only “awakening” here is your soul leaving your body.
3. TEXAS CHAINSAW (2013)
- Why It Rules: Alexandra Daddario running from Leatherface in a tank top. Need I say more? (Fine: Scott Eastwood’s jawline could cut glass.)
- Sammy’s Verdict: The real horror is realizing this is the best Chainsaw sequel.
4. EVIL DEAD 2 (1987)
- Why It Rules: Bruce Campbell’s chin vs. demonic forces. Spoiler: The chin wins.
- Sammy’s Verdict: The greatest slapstick gorefest ever made. Fight me.
5. DAYBREAKERS (2009)
- Why It Rules: Ethan Hawke as a vampire hematologist (peak career). Willem Dafoe chews scenery like it’s vampire jerky.
- Sammy’s Verdict: “Blade” meets “Mad Max” in a corporate dystopia. Glorious.
🔪 DEEP CUTS FOR THE SICKOS
- HOSTEL (2005): Eli Roth’s Eurotrip from hell. You’ll never trust a Slovakian spa again.
- THE DARK TAPES (2016): “Black Mirror” if it was written by a demon on bath salts.
- HELLHOLE (1985): A sanitarium slasher so cheap, the blood looks like ketchup. I love it.
🎸 FINAL THOUGHTS: WHY YOU NEED THIS
Because horror should be loud, messy, and free—just like my last relationship. VIZIO’s dropping these gems WITHOUT A PAYWALL, so quit your bitching and go watch something that’ll scar you.
Pro Tip: Stream “The Road” (Viggo Mortensen’s cheerful apocalypse romp) if you need a good cry after the gore.
— Sammy
Currently mainlining Evil Dead 2 for the 47th time
🔥 PS: SKIP ONE, AND THE GRUDGE GHOST WILL CRAWL IN YOUR BED. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED. 🔥
