Greetings fellow fiends, this is your macabre mistress of the night, Sharon, with the chilling scoop on the upcoming Five Nights at Freddy’s film adaptation. As an authority on horror in all its gruesome glory, I was initially intrigued to see one of the most terrifying video games brought to ghastly life on the silver screen.
The shadowy trailer surely sets an ominous tone, hinting at the nerve-shredding nights in store for the poor security guard on his graveyard shift. And those sinister animatronics seem primed to offer some seriously spine-tingling scares. However, while the visuals hit the mark, the PG-13 rating gives me grave concerns that this adaptation may lack the true terror required to satisfy us horror extremists.
You see, for a movie to burrow deep under our skin and leave us restlessly awake in a cold sweat, it needs more than just jump scares and creepy atmosphere. As the Mistress of the Macabre, I crave slowly-simmering dread that seeps into your psyche. I want blood-curdling terror that leaves me screaming for mercy and sleeping with one eye open. Regrettably, it’s rare for a PG-13 horror flick to deliver those deliriously delicious levels of fright.
Don’t misunderstand – I’ll still be first in line to see those murderous animatronics in action. But I can’t help but pine for a more wickedly brutal plot, diabolical twists that push the boundaries of depravity, and screams so blood-curdling the MPAA has no choice but to slap an R-rating on it. That’s the spine-chilling adaptation from our darkest nightmares that true hardcore horror fans like myself deserve.
Freddy, Foxy, Chica and the gang may still provide some Halloween season scares. But this critic of crazy carnage won’t be satisfied unless Five Nights at Freddy’s leaves me cowering in terror from the psychological trauma! So come on, Blumhouse – take off the kid gloves and give us the seriously sinister adaptation we crave! This is Sharon, wishing you shrieks and shivers as we await the terror this film may unleash…
