An Uncomfortable Analysis by Sammy, Knife in the Dark’s Resident Sex Therapist (Not Really)
Let’s cut through the bullshit like Jason through a camp counselor – your horror preferences reveal more about your bedroom habits than your therapist ever could. Don’t believe me? Try explaining your Saw obsession on a first date.
1. THE SHINING (1980)
You think “all work and no play” is sexy. Your ideal foreplay is typing THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE OVER AND OVER while ignoring your partner. Warning: May chase loved ones with axes when frustrated.
2. SAW
You’re either a control freak who needs elaborate rules for everything, or a masochist who thinks “wanna play a game?” is the ultimate pickup line. Either way, your sex life needs more safewords and less rusty bear traps.
3. HALLOWEEN
You’re into the “strong silent type” who watches you from bushes. Your relationships last exactly one night (just like Michael’s victims). Bonus: You probably own suspiciously clean white mechanic coveralls.
4. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
You like it rough, loud, and messy. Too bad your idea of aftercare is hanging your partners on meat hooks. Leatherface didn’t need dating apps – and neither do you (because you’ve been banned from them).
5. GET OUT
You’ve got a “type” and it’s problematic. Your partners keep looking at you like they’re being hypnotized against their will (because they are). Tea cup? More like red flag collector.
6. SUSPIRIA (1977)
You’re either a dominatrix or desperately want to be dominated by one. Your ideal date involves razor wire, interpretive dance, and someone whispering “witch” in your ear. At least you have good taste in music.
7. IT FOLLOWS
FINAL VERDICT:
If this hit too close to home, don’t worry – we’re all damaged here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go write a song about this for our next album (working title: “Your Kink is My Chorus”).
– Sammy
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