“Forget sunscreen—this summer’s hottest accessory is a severed limb. VIZIO’s chumming the waters with enough shark schlock to make Spielberg puke glitter. Grab your whiskey & let’s dive in.”
🌪️ SHARKNADO DOUBLE FEATURE: CAMP WITH A SIDE OF CARNAGE
Sharknado (2013) / Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)
“Ian Ziering chainsawing his way out of a shark’s gut is peak cinema. Tara Reid’s android hand in #2? Art. These movies are what happens when you snort SyFy’s budget & scream ‘FUCK IT’ into a hurricane.”
Sammy’s Drinking Game:
- Drink every time a shark eats a landmark
- Shotgun when Tara Reid emotes
- Finish your bottle if Fin says something heroic (you’ll be sober)
🐂 THE BULL SHARK TRILOGY: TEXAS’S DUMBEST NATURAL DISASTER
Bull Shark (2021) / Bull Shark 2 (2022) / Bull Shark 3 (2022)
*”Three movies. One lake. Zero logic. By #3, the sharks have *family drama*. It’s like *Succession* with more viscera. I’d call it ‘stupid’ but my therapist says ‘stop romanticizing chaos’.”*
Sammy’s Take:
“Thom Hallum’s ‘serious sheriff’ face deserves an Oscar. Or a restraining order.”
🌊 OPEN WATER TRILOGY: WHEN VACATIONS GO WRONG
Open Water (2003) / Open Water 2: Adrift (2006) / Open Water 3: Cage Dive (2017)
*”The OG is just two people treading water & realizing they’re fucked—like my last relationship. #2’s ladder fail is the dumbest death since my hopes & dreams. #3? Reality TV meets *Jaws. A+ existential dread.”
Sammy’s Survival Tip:
“Never trust a boat crew named ‘Chad’. Or sunlight. Or oxygen.”
👯♀️ MULTI-HEADED SHARK APOCALYPSE: EVOLUTION’S DRUNK MISTAKE
2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) / 3 Headed Shark Attack (2015) / 5 Headed Shark Attack (2017)
*”Carmen Electra vs. a shark with two faces? Karrueche Tran fistfighting a *three*-headed abomination? A *five-headed starfish nightmare? Science left the chat. God is dead. These rule.”
Sammy’s Theory:
“Each head represents a different stage of my hangover.”
🦈 DEEP CUTS: SHARK FLICKS FOR THE TRUE DEGENERATES
- Red Water (2003): *”Lou Diamond Phillips & Coolio on a rig with a bull shark. It’s *Die Hard* underwater—if John McClane snorted bath salts.”*
- Megalodon Rising (2021) / Megalodon: The Frenzy (2023): “Tom Sizemore yelling at CGI. Eric Roberts cashing a check. Perfection.”
- Planet of the Sharks (2016) / Empire of the Sharks (2017): “Mad Max* with fins. Post-apocalyptic fish fascism? Sign me up.”*
- Tsunami Sharks (2014): *”Sharks in a *wave. That’s it. That’s the tweet.”
- Swamp Shark (2011): *”Kristy Swanson vs. a bayou predator. Buffy’s *second* greatest foe.”*
- Ice Sharks (2016): *”Arctic researchers vs. frostbite & fins. The *The Thing* sequel we deserved.”*
- Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2015): *”Traci Lords + fracking + prehistoric sharks. The *only* feminist manifesto I respect.”*
- Santa Jaws (2018): *”A *Christmas* shark. Because why the fuck not?”*
💀 FINAL VERDICT: HOW TO WATCH
- Attire: A life vest (ironic) / Bloodstained Hawaiian shirt (authentic)
- Beverage: Sharkbite cocktail (grenadine = blood in water)
- Snack: Gummy sharks (bite their heads off first)
- Vibe: Existential terror masked as laughter
🎣 STREAM ‘EM ALL FREE ON VIZIO WATCHFREE+ (CHANNEL #598)
“Because nothing says ‘summer’ like screaming at your TV while a shark eats a cheerleader.”
— Sammy
Currently researching ‘how to weaponize a pool noodle’ for the inevitable Sharkpocalypse
🔪🦈 #SharkWeekFromHell #BiteMe #KnifeInTheDarkToursWithSharks
