By Sammy, Knife in the Dark’s resident tour survivor and reluctant band therapist
🎸 INTRODUCTION: WELCOME TO HELL, BABY
Let’s cut the bullshit—if you’re in a band long enough, you will fantasize about leaving your guitarist in a ditch. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation. Maybe it’s the 17th argument about setlists. Maybe it’s because your drummer still can’t count to four without drooling.
But the show must go on (and so must your paycheck). Here’s how to survive a tour when you’d rather set the van on fire than hear one more fucking story about your bassist’s kombucha obsession.
🚐 RULE #1: THE VAN IS A WARZONE (ACT ACCORDINGLY)
- Claim Your Territory: The backseat isn’t just a seat—it’s your fortress of solitude. Mark it with empty Red Bull cans and a threatening aura.
- Noise-Canceling Headphones: Invest in a pair so good they drown out your singer’s “vocal warm-ups” (read: off-key screeching).
- The Silent Treatment: If your rhythm guitarist won’t stop talking, stare blankly until he questions his existence.
Pro Tip: Keep a flask hidden in the glovebox. For emergencies.
🎤 RULE #2: STAGE SHOW = FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
The crowd paid for a performance, not your petty drama. So:
- Smile Like You’re Planning Murder (because you are)
- Never Make Eye Contact (lest you see their soul leave their body mid-solo)
- Secretly Sabotage Their Solos (just turn their amp down a little. Who’ll notice?)
Hypothetical Example: “Oh no, your pedalboard ‘malfunctioned’ during your big moment? How tragic.”
🍻 RULE #3: ALCOHOL IS YOUR FRIEND (UNTIL IT’S NOT)
- Pre-Show: One drink to take the edge off.
- Mid-Show: Two drinks to tolerate your bassist’s “stage banter.”
- Post-Show: Enough drinks to forget their face.
Warning: Do not let them convince you to do shots together. That’s how “bonding” happens, and bonding leads to forgiveness. We don’t do that here.
😈 RULE #4: SABOTAGE (BUT MAKE IT PLAUSIBLE)
- “Lose” Their Gear: “Oh, you left your favorite pick in the green room? Guess it grew legs.”
- “Forget” Their Cue: “My bad, I thought you wanted to come in on beat for once.”
- “Accidentally” Book Them a Separate Hotel … far away.
Hypothetical Defense: “It’s not sabotage if you’re just ‘helping them grow as a musician.’”
💀 RULE #5: ESCAPE PLANS (FOR WHEN YOU SNAP)
- The “I’m Sick” Vanish: Fake food poisoning. Bonus points if you groan loud enough to ruin their set.
- The “Family Emergency”: “Sorry, my grandma’s ghost needs me.”
- The Full Walkout: Leave mid-tour. Change your name. Start a new life. They’ll never find you.
Pro Tip: Always keep a go-bag with cash, a fake ID, and a one-way bus ticket.
🎸 FINAL VERDICT: SURVIVE NOW, MURDER LATER
Look, bands are like bad relationships—sometimes you stick it out for the money, the fans, or just to watch them fail without you. But if you must endure, remember:
- Document Everything (for the eventual lawsuit)
- Stay Professional (onstage, at least)
- Never Let Them See You Cry (cry in the shower like a normal person)
Now go forth, suffer through soundcheck, and dream of the day you can quit dramatically mid-song.
— Sammy
Currently hiding from my drummer in a tour bus bathroom
🔥🎸 PS: IF YOU ACTUALLY MURDER THEM, I DIDN’T WRITE THIS. 🎸🔥
