💀 WELCOME TO YOUR PERSONAL HELL: ZODIAC SURVIVAL GUIDE (LEO? YOU’RE PROBABLY FINE… FOR NOW) 💀
By Sammy, Skeptic-Turned-Reluctant-Ghost Magnet of Knife in the Dark (Currently Hiding Under the Covers in a St. John’s Hotel Room That Definitely Has a Cold Spot)
🎤 ALRIGHT, YOU STAR-OBSESSED WEIRDOS. So you think your little birth chart dictates your taste in music and who you’ll bang? Fine. Let’s see how your cosmic alignment holds up when you’re face-to-face with some seriously pissed-off spectral entities in a creaky-ass haunted house. Spoiler alert: most of you are SCREWED.
♈ ARIES (March 21 – April 19): YOU’RE DEAD FIRST. You impulsive, headstrong idiots. You’ll charge into the darkness, yelling “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?” and promptly get possessed by the angriest spirit in the joint. You’ll probably try to fight the ghost with your bare hands. Good luck with that, tough guy. Death Scene: Dragged screaming into the attic by unseen forces, your last words a defiant (and stupid) battle cry.
♉ TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): SLOW AND STEADY… TO YOUR DOOM. You stubborn mules. You’ll refuse to believe the house is haunted until a poltergeist steals your snacks. Then you’ll get all territorial and try to reason with a bloodthirsty demon. Death Scene: Crushed under a falling antique armoire while stubbornly refusing to leave your “safe spot” near the candy bowl.
♊ GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): TALK YOUR WAY INTO THE GRAVE. You chatty bastards. You’ll try to have a witty conversation with the disembodied voice in the hallway. You’ll probably even try to flirt with a spectral woman in white. Death Scene: Driven insane by the sheer volume of ghostly whispers until you’re babbling incoherently and walk straight into a booby-trapped room.
♋ CANCER (June 21 – July 22): CRYING YOUR WAY TO THE COFFIN. You sensitive souls. You’ll be weeping from the moment you step inside. Every creak, every shadow will send you into hysterics. You’ll be too busy sobbing to notice the ghostly figure creeping up behind you. Death Scene: Suffocated by a sentient pile of old lace while curled up in a fetal position, whimpering for your mommy.
♌ LEO (July 23 – August 22): THE DELUSIONAL SURVIVOR (FOR NOW). You dramatic divas. You’ll think the ghosts are putting on a show for you. You’ll probably try to upstage them with your own theatrical screams. You might actually survive the initial scares through sheer arrogance. Death Scene: Eventually gets too cocky and tries to take a selfie with a demonic entity. The ghost will not appreciate the photobomb.
♍ VIRGO (August 23 – September 22): ANALYZING YOUR WAY TO AN EARLY GRAVE. You meticulous nitpickers. You’ll be too busy pointing out the historical inaccuracies and structural flaws of the haunted house to notice the actual threats. Death Scene: Tripped by a strategically placed ghost (who was clearly annoyed by your constant critiques) and falls down a flight of rickety stairs. Details matter, Virgo. Like, you know, NOT DYING.
♎ LIBRA (September 23 – October 22): INDECISION IS DEADLY. You wishy-washy fence-sitters. You’ll spend so much time trying to weigh the pros and cons of each escape route that the ghosts will have ample time to corner you. Death Scene: Torn apart by two equally terrifying spectral beings while trying to decide which one looks less menacing.
♏ SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21): YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY THIS. You dark, intense weirdos. You’ll probably try to communicate with the ghosts, maybe even join their spooky little cult. You have a 50/50 shot of either surviving or becoming one of the haunted. Death Scene: Either walks out unscathed, having made some new undead friends, or gets betrayed by a jealous spirit in a ghostly love triangle.
♐ SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21): RUNNING HEADFIRST INTO DANGER (AGAIN). You adventurous thrill-seekers. You’ll see the “DO NOT ENTER” signs as a personal challenge. You’ll probably try to explore every forbidden room, convinced you can outrun any ghost. Death Scene: Gets lost in a labyrinthine secret passage and eventually starves to death, surrounded by cobwebs and broken promises of adventure.
♑ CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19): TRYING TO REASON WITH THE UNREASONABLE. You responsible rule-followers. You’ll try to negotiate with the ghosts, offering them a “mutually beneficial agreement” to leave you alone. Ghosts don’t do spreadsheets, Capricorn. Death Scene: Bored to death by your attempts at bureaucratic negotiation until they finally just… take you.
♒ AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18): THINKING YOU’RE TOO COOL FOR GHOSTS. You detached, “unique” snowflakes. You’ll probably scoff at the supernatural and try to debunk everything with “logic” and “science.” The ghosts will take this as a personal insult. Death Scene: Gets their “third eye” forcibly opened by a particularly annoyed poltergeist who wants to prove a point about the limitations of earthly understanding.
♓ PISCES (February 19 – March 20): DREAMING YOUR WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE. You dreamy escapists. You’ll probably think the haunted house is just a really immersive art installation. You’ll be too lost in your own fantasy world to notice the actual danger. Death Scene: Gently led into the spectral realm by a soothing, siren-like ghost, never to be seen again in the land of the living.
💀 FINAL VERDICT: DON’T GO INTO HAUNTED HOUSES, YOU IDIOTS. Seriously. What did you expect? Your zodiac sign isn’t a magical shield against demonic possession. You’re all just squishy bags of blood and fear waiting to be spooked into an early grave.
👻 EXCEPTION: Maybe Scorpios have a shot. But even then, don’t get cocky. Those undead bastards play for keeps.
🌙 CURRENT MOOD: Still convinced that creaking sound was just the old pipes… probably. Definitely not a vengeful fisherman spirit looking for his lost cod. Nope.
🔪🎤 PS: IF I EVER DRAG KNIFE IN THE DARK TO A “HAUNTED VENUE” FOR “ATMOSPHERE,” SOMEONE CHAIN ME TO THE AMP. FOR EVERYONE’S SAKE. 🎤🔪
