By Sammy, Knife in the Dark’s resident tour medic (certification: “I Watched All Seasons of ER”)
🚑 THE ESSENTIALS: YOUR TOUR FIRST AID KIT
Forget Band-Aids and aspirin—here’s what you actually need in your tour van:
- Superglue (for sealing cuts when stitches aren’t an option)
- A flask of whiskey (disinfectant and painkiller)
- Stolen hotel towels (for mopping up blood/beer/vomit)
- Zip ties (temporary handcuffs or splints)
- A lighter (for sterilizing knives/needles/your soul)
“If it doesn’t fit in a Crown Royal bag, you don’t need it.”
🤕 TREATING COMMON TOUR INJURIES
1. HANGOVERS (“THE TOUR PLAGUE”)
Symptoms: Regret, shaky hands, the urge to murder your drummer
Cure:
- Pre-game: Chug Pedialyte like it’s holy water
- Mid-game: IV drip of Gatorade/vodka (50/50 mix)
- Post-game: Greasy spoon food and a 3-hour coma in the van
Pro Tip: If you puke, aim for the guitarist’s gear. He deserves it.
2. MOSH PIT WOUNDS (“BADGES OF HONOR”)
Types:
- Black eyes (ice + stolen steak from rider)
- Broken ribs (duct tape brace + denial)
- Missing teeth (superglue + lies about “fighting a bear”)
“If you’re not bleeding by encore, you’re not trying hard enough.”
3. STAB WOUNDS (“OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD”)
Step 1: Yank the knife out (unless it’s keeping you from bleeding out)
Step 2: Pack wound with tampons (they’re not just for riders anymore)
Step 3: Duct-tape it shut (sexy medical term: “field suture”)
“ER visits are for bands with trust funds.”
💊 PSYCHOLOGICAL FIRST AID (WHEN THE TOUR BREAKS YOU)
1. BANDMATE-INDUCED PSYCHOSIS
Symptoms: Hearing your bassist’s voice even when they’re not there
Treatment: Noise-canceling headphones + imaginary friend
2. POST-SHOW DEPRESSION
Symptoms: Crying in a Waffle House at 3 AM
Cure: More whiskey + pretending it’s “artistic melancholy”
3. VAN-LIFE MADNESS
Symptoms: Believing the dashboard GPS is judging you
Treatment: Scream into a pillow at rest stops
⚰️ WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS (A.K.A. “TOUR MORTALITY GUIDE”)
| Injury | Fix It Yourself? | ER-Worthy? |
|---|---|---|
| Hangover | Yes | Only if you see God |
| Broken Finger | Tape to spoon | If it’s your fretting hand |
| Concussion | Sleep it off | If you forget your own name |
| Snakebite | Suck out venom | YES, YOU IDIOT |
| Existential Crisis | More tour | Terminal |
🎸 FINAL VERDICT: TOUR HARD, HEAL HARDER
Remember kids:
- Pain is temporary (but hospital bills are forever)
- Alcohol is a medicine (if you’re brave enough)
- No one looks cool in an ambulance
Now go forth and rock—just keep a suture kit in your pedalboard.
— Sammy
Currently treating a stab wound with whiskey and regret
🔥🩹 PS: THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE (BUT NEITHER IS TOUR LIFE). 🩹🔥
