By Sammy – HorrorFacts.com’s resident trash compactor, whiskey necromancer, and survivor of this 87-minute lobotomy
💀 PLOT? MORE LIKE A FART IN A WINDTUNNEL:
Some crusty corpse named Mr. Longfellow (Don Leifert) gets zapped by a red smoke cloud (aka: “the budget”) and wakes up needing to suck souls to stay alive. So he:
- Buys a suburban music school (???)
- Plays organ like a discount Phantom
- Murders neighbors with tactical head-squeezes
- Gets chased by a mustachioed himbo (Richard Nelson) who yells “STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!” like a community theater reject
🎯 SAMMY’S DIAGNOSIS:
*“It’s like if *Halloween* was directed by a horny geography teacher. The only ‘fiend’ here is the editor who didn’t burn the footage.”*
✨ WHY IT SUCKS (A SOUL… AND YOUR WILL TO LIVE):
1. THE “FIEND” LOOKS LIKE A DAMP PAPER TOWEL
- Don Leifert’s performance: Constipated Dracula meets PTA dad who forgot his Viagra.
- His kills involve gently caressing victims’ temples until they… nap?
- “Terrifying” aura = unbuttoned shirt + sweat-stained slacks.
2. PACE OF A COMATOSE SLOTH
- 20 minutes of Mr. Longfellow mowing his lawn (seriously).
- 15 minutes of him staring at sheet music like it’s the goddamn Necronomicon.
- Actual horror: Waiting for something—anything—to happen.
3. SPECIAL EFFECTS BY FISHER-PRICE
- The “soul-sucking” effect: Red gel light + vaseline lens.
- Corpses rise with the urgency of a napping cat.
- Climactic “battle”: Dude trips into a tree branch (fin).
4. DIALOGUE WRITTEN BY A SENTIENT CUPCAKE
“I feel… strange. Like part of me is missing!” (After her soul gets sucked)
“You’re a FIEND, Longfellow!” (Groundbreaking.)
“Music is… life!” (Deepest lore.)
🍷 HOW TO SURVIVE WATCHING IT:
- Attire: Sweatpants (stained with regret)
- Beverage: Cheap vodka (drink every time Longfellow squints)
- Friends: None (they’d leave you)
- Exit Strategy: Skip to 1:07:00 for the tree-branch justice.
⚰️ LEGACY: A CAUTIONARY TALE
- $40,000 budget: $39k went to Longfellow’s wig.
- Influenced: Literally nothing (even Manos fans disown this).
- Fun Fact: Director Don Dohler later made Alien 2: On Earth. Yes, really.
SAMMY’S VERDICT:
“Fiend* isn’t so bad it’s good—it’s so bad it should be tried at The Hague. Burn the print. Salt the earth. Tell your kids it was a government warning.”*
— Sammy
*Currently detoxing with a *The Thing* IV drip*
🔥💀 PS: IF A RED CLOUD OFFERS YOU A MUSIC LESSON… CALL AN EXORCIST. 💀🔥
🔪 KNIFE IN THE DARK’S THERAPY ANTHEM:
*“I Survived *Fiend* (And All I Got Was Liver Damage)”* — streaming now.
📰 NEXT ON HORRORFACTS:
*“WHY *NIGHTMARE* (1981) MAKES FIEND LOOK LIKE THE EXORCIST”* (Spoiler: It doesn’t.)
🥃 FIND ME:
- Bleaching my eyeballs @ The Grindhouse
- Threatening VHS collectors @SammyDevil
- Screaming into a void (it screams back)
Stay sober. Stay sane. Skip Fiend. 🔪
