🌆 THE PLOT (OR LACK THEREOF):
Small-town girl Eve Harrington (Holly Woodlawn, a trans icon who could out-charm the devil) moves to NYC to become a star. Instead, she finds:
- A drag queen Mary Poppins (Tally Brown) carried by shirtless men through Central Park 36
- A leather-clad, gas-mask-wearing bellhop at the Chelsea Hotel (because of course) 11
- A werewolf film producer (played by Woodlawn in male drag) who sexually assaults her 6
- Bette Midler singing lullabies while Holly lies in bed covered in salamis (don’t ask) 4
Sammy’s Take:
“It’s All About Eve on acid, directed by a queer anarchist who thought subtlety was for cowards. I’m obsessed.”
✨ WHY IT’S A MASTERPIECE (AND YOUR THERAPIST’S NIGHTMARE):
- HOLLY WOODLAWN IS A FORCE OF NATURE
- Her physical comedy? Flawless. Her line delivery? Iconic. Her ability to make a salami-covered bed scene work? Legendary. 48
- Lou Reed wrote “Walk on the Wild Side” about her. That’s all you need to know.
- IT’S A TIME CAPSULE OF ’70S QUEER NYC
- Drag queens! Lesbian separatist twins! A cab-driving nun raising money for Jesus Christ Superstar! 6
- The vibe? “What if John Waters directed The Wizard of Oz but Dorothy was a trans icon?”
- THE MUSICAL NUMBERS ARE UNHINGED
- Tally Brown singing blues about avoiding teen prostitution in El Paso? Art. 8
- Bette Midler’s soundtrack cameo? The cherry on this chaotic sundae. 4
⚠️ CONTROVERSY CLUB:
- Banned & forgotten for decades because society wasn’t ready for this much fabulousness 8
- Holly’s post-fame struggles (heroin, poverty, Hollywood’s transphobia) make the film’s joy even more bittersweet 6
🍸 HOW TO WATCH IT (LIKE A TRUE CULTIST):
- Attire: Sequined bathrobe (stained with glitter tears)
- Beverage: Cheap champagne (spiked with whatever Holly was drinking at the Chelsea)
- Lighting: Disco ball (or a flashlight covered in tinsel)
- Post-Movie Ritual: Call your ex and scream “I’M LOST IN MY DREAMS OF HEAVEN!” into the void
📼 THE SCARE FILM ARCHIVES VOL. 2: DANGER STORIES – TRAUMATIZING CHILDREN, ONE 16MM REEL AT A TIME
🚸 THE PLOT (IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT):
A collection of educational scare films designed to terrify kids into obedience. Highlights include:
- “Don’t Play with Matches” (or you’ll burn alive, probably)
- “Stranger Danger: The Musical” (not really, but it should be)
- “Why Drugs Will Turn You Into a Literal Garbage Person” (spoiler: they’re not wrong)
Sammy’s Take:
“It’s like Black Mirror for boomers—except the horror is real, and the special effects are just bad acting and worse morals.”
💀 WHY YOU NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE:
- NOSTALGIA FOR A TIME WHEN TRAUMA WAS EDUCATIONAL
- These films actually played in schools. Imagine showing “Reefer Madness” to fifth graders today.
- THE LIMITED SLIPCOVER IS ALMOST GONE
- Once it’s gone, it’s gone—just like your innocence after watching “The Boy Who Cried Wolf (But Then the Wolf Ate Him)”.
- IT’S A HISTORY LESSON IN HOW TO SCARE KIDS STRAIGHT
- Pre-Internet fearmongering at its finest.
🍷 HOW TO WATCH IT (IF YOU DARE):
- Attire: A school uniform (stained with existential dread)
- Beverage: Warm milk (spiked with regret)
- Lighting: A flickering projector (seizure risk = authentic experience)
💥 FINAL VERDICT: TWO FILMS THAT PROVE CINEMA CAN BE BOTH ART AND A WAR CRIME
- Scarecrow in a Garden of Cucumbers is a queer cult classic that deserves worship.
- The Scare Film Archives Vol. 2 is trauma porn that deserves… well, something.
— Sammy
Currently writing a love letter to Holly Woodlawn in lipstick on my bathroom mirror
🔥🎥 PS: IF SOMEONE OFFERS TO SHOW YOU “THE REAL NEW YORK”… ASK IF HOLLY’S INVITED. 🎥
Scarecrow In a Garden of Cucumbers
The Scare Film Archives Volume 2: Danger Stories
